Seeing Off Xin Jian at Hibiscus Tower, Wang Changling (Tang Shi #264)

[lnhammer]

The cold rain merges with the river; night comes to Wu.
At dawn, I’ll see a guest across the lonely Chu Mountains.
Should friends and family in Luoyang ask, say that
My heart’s as pure as a flake of ice in a jade-white flask.

芙蓉楼送辛渐
寒雨连江夜入吴，
平明送客楚山孤。
洛阳亲友如相问，
一片冰心在玉壶。

This was written as the first of a two-poem series, but the second part isn’t in this collection. Wu is the region around and south of the lower Yangzi, and his friend is traveling across the mountains to Luoyang.

I don’t like the enjambment in the second couplet, especially since “say that” is implied anyway. Also, my meter is rocky throughout, but I need to step away already. “As pure as” double translates the idiom “one flake ice heart,” meaning “pure of heart/having integrity.”

—L.

Comments

[sovay]

I don’t like the enjambment in the second couplet, especially since “say that” is implied anyway.

Why do you need the words there, then?

[lnhammer]

My best alternative at the moment is replacing that with a colon, but that feels even worse, in a way I can’t articulate.

[sovay]

My best alternative at the moment is replacing that with a colon, but that feels even worse, in a way I can’t articulate.

I can't hear anything wrong with "Should friends and family in Luoyang ask, / My heart’s as pure as a flake of ice in a jade-white flask," but I may be missing something you need to translate from the Chinese.

[lnhammer]

That would be better. Or, hmm, something like that...