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Friday, 29 January 2010 07:39![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lnhammerMidori-iro
wa mienai kara
fuyu wa furu.
As for how many things are wrong with this, well, let's start with that first wa should more properly be ga, but that puts the emphasis on "green" instead of "not visible," and has a harsher sound. Either way, though, the first line break sucks. More egregiously, furu should be the progressive futte iru -- otherwise winter falls as a one-time action, and yesterday's gray rain was indeed continuous. And, really, it's green-as-quality (midori) that was hidden, rather than green-the-color (midori-iro) -- once again going for sound over sense. At least this time I knew to put kara after a final-form verb or adjective.
For anyone who wants instead a lame emo version, there's Aoi me o / miranakutta kara / fuyu wa furu. Or worse, Anata no me.
---L.
wa mienai kara
fuyu wa furu.
—28 January 2010
Roughly: "Because green is not visible, winter falls," using the verb for precipitation.As for how many things are wrong with this, well, let's start with that first wa should more properly be ga, but that puts the emphasis on "green" instead of "not visible," and has a harsher sound. Either way, though, the first line break sucks. More egregiously, furu should be the progressive futte iru -- otherwise winter falls as a one-time action, and yesterday's gray rain was indeed continuous. And, really, it's green-as-quality (midori) that was hidden, rather than green-the-color (midori-iro) -- once again going for sound over sense. At least this time I knew to put kara after a final-form verb or adjective.
For anyone who wants instead a lame emo version, there's Aoi me o / miranakutta kara / fuyu wa furu. Or worse, Anata no me.
---L.